Enlightened Self-Interest

Clownissa Explains it All

It ends as it began
and nothing much has changed.


Words to be read when I am dead [still not a suicide note]
Words to be read when I am dead. [not a suicide note]

January 1st, 2006

I'm actually starting this entry on 10/10/2006.

So... I'm dead.

No problem.

Not that it is needed, but I give permission for you all to move on with your lives, to forget. I encourage it. That is what I want. Throw out or sell my things. Or keep what you want. Just do whatever makes you happy.

I am gone. That doesn't hurt me. I *am* not.
Hell? Don't believe in it. Maybe now is a good time to re-evaluate your own beliefs, if they trouble you.

I don't know how I died, of course. If it was painful or humiliating or otherwise sad, don't worry. It's over. That was just a moment. Remember me happy. I had some good times.

No one should bother blaming his/her-self, either. Our control is limited. What you did, is what you *could* do. People act in self-interest. That's just how it works. We gamble all the time that other people will be okay. We have to, and sometimes we lose.

There is nothing you can do for me now.

One final note: I would rather have died than lived in fear.

[I will probably add to this as I think of more things]

EDIT 9/6/09: I do not want a sad funeral, or proselytizing. I would prefer something like a celebration (maybe kaufmanesque). But the funeral is not for my sake. Do what you must.

EDIT 12/6/2015: In light of a recent loss, I am bumping this to remind me to update it. No one is watching this at this point anyhow.

(no subject)
Just passing through. I'm not dead yet...

A head cold has (once again), made me nostalgic, and not in the normal melancholy way, but in a purely happy one.

Despite all the news, which makes me (want to) abandon all hope for days at a time, I feel pretty good right now.

I'm pretty isolated now. Probably why I'm on here, besides a touch of the old sehnsucht. And procrastination. Like old times. I'm okay with it, though. The old fantasy of moving to a remote region of Alaska is starting to return... Chalk it up to avoidant personality disorder. Or perfectionism. Or just having a constant stream of entertainment at my disposal and being okay with getting by on that.

And this is another redundant entry, which is the main reason I stopped posting, wasn't it?

(no subject)
Fridays are good days. How do I make every day a Friday?

(no subject)
Got a lovely case of the spring fever. Right now writing a Quake 1 fanfic seems like a brilliant idea. I'm serious.

And I seriously need to find a way to migrate south each year. I can't handle any more of the cold, the dry air, and the shorter, dimmer days.

(no subject)
Mostly now when I think of updating my LJ I just want to link back to some old entry with the descriptor "THIS"

[ETA] Or else I lose interest in the post that I've composed in my head by the time I get back to the computer.

(no subject)

(no subject)
I buried my cat, Apollo, today.
Read more...Collapse )

(no subject)
Notes on star trek:

the music was uninspiring, unremarkable...

the fact that it was an "alternate reality" made it difficult for me to be moved by the drama... i felt that none of it was "really" happening.

vulcans are silly as ever. their dialogue was painfully dorky, pedantic, and just plain stupid ("inefficient"). no need to say "affirmative" when a "yes" will do.

the in-jokes and referential dialogue got at most a smirk or a chuckle out of me

Would have been nice had I known about runpee.com in advance.

IP logging is off....
for a little while.

I realize not many still read this journal, but industrial music and caffeine have inspired me.

Post anonymously (see subject) -- Ask me a question, tell me a truth, or do as thou wilt.


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